Katie Melua

Insipid, pasty, watery ear-piddle. Katie Melua has a voice like a lazy 12-year-old pretending to be sick at school so she doesn’t have to do PE that afternoon. Her pathetic tissue-thin voice resonated perfectly in the dense, log-like skull of Radio 2 Yorkshire-thickie Michael Parkinson and such was his love of weak, weak shit, he played her records a lot.
Songs like “I’ve got cramps in my belly miss” and “it’s dead sore at the back of me throat” soon died down for her big hitters like “Closest thing to crazy” and “Ten million bicycles”, which were both unapologetic dewy-eyed horse-cockery.